Darcy vs the Evil Ex
by FarGreenCountrySwiftSunrise
Summary: You just can't have a nice lunch in New York City without your boyfriend's ex showing up. Tasertricks.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

&%&%&%

Darcy was out to lunch with one of her college roommates when they were told that someone had tried to attack the Avengers Tower. "Why would someone be dumb enough to do that?" Darcy muttered to herself as she packed up her things and began making her way to the Tower. There was going to be a lot of paperwork over this.

As she turned a corner near a subway station, Darcy saw a group of people running down the road. She ducked into an empty coffee shop to not be trampled. Shots of green fire chased after the people. Darcy jumped behind the counter just before a fireball smashed through the window. She heard the sound of someone slamming into the coffee shop, Darcy peeked over the counter.

"Steve! Sound off if you're dead!" Darcy said.

"Not dead," Steve said. He tried to sit up but groaned when he tried to use his left arm, "She pulled my arm out of my socket."

When Darcy saw that the green fireballs had stopped, Darcy scurried over to Steve and helped him up. "Who did this?"

"She calls herself the Enchantress," Steve said.

"New girl on the block?" Darcy asked.

Steve shook his head as they made their way behind the counter. "Apparently Thor and Loki know her. Asgardian. She's a witch."

"Steve, you can cuss around me," Darcy said.

"No, she is literally a witch. Sorceress, whatever," Steve said. He slid to the floor. "Do you know how to pop an arm back into a socket?"

"Nope," Darcy said, "I am quite proud you used modern slang though. It warms my pop culture heart."

Steve made a call to the Avengers and told of his status and location. As he did, the explosions started up again.

"Think she's doubling back?" Darcy asked as she pulled out her taser.

"Possibly, but she is trying to get to Thor," Steve said.

"Why?" Darcy asked.

"Apparently it has something to do with Thor," Steve said, shrugging his good shoulder.

"You, my good sir, are overflowing with helpfulness," Darcy said.

"You shouldn't even be here, Darcy," Steve said.

"Tough. This Enchantress woman ruined my lunch," Darcy said.

A familiar shape of leather, gold, and green crashed into the street, causing a large dent in the pavement. Darcy let out a string of expletives that Steve was mildly impressed by.

"Yeah. I kind of left out that Loki was on point for dealing with her," Steve said.

"Get out there! I'll strap on the shield to your bad arm and you can shoot her in the head," Darcy said.

A blonde woman in green stood over Loki. They both shot a blast at each other, canceling the other's magic. The Enchantress was pushed back far enough that it allowed Loki a chance to attempt to sit up.

"We've tried bullets; they bounced off," Steve said.

"He just needs a… distraction," Darcy said.

"Darcy…"

It was too late. Darcy dove over the counter and jumped through the broken window.

"Hey! You! Demented acrobat girl! Over here!" Darcy said.

The Enchantress turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Are you not right in the mind, girl?"

"Nope. Not at all," Darcy said, already regretting her actions, "Got some screws loose and I have never had marbles."

The Enchantress began to move towards Darcy. "What is the matter with this pathetic race and its suicidal tendencies?" Her hands were glowing with green magic. "How has this race survived?"

"Amora," Loki said as he stood.

The Enchantress turned for a moment back towards Loki. The next thing Darcy knew, she was back behind the counter in the coffee shop with an angry god of mischief pinning her down.

"What were you thinking?" Loki said.

Darcy gave a pained smile. "Being stupid?"

"You could have died!" Loki said.

"You were down! You could have died!" Darcy replied.

"I can take care of myself!"

"I was giving you time to get up!"

Steve pulled Loki off Darcy with his good arm. "You two can argue later. Loki, I need you to fix my arm and then we can take down the Enchantress together."

Loki consented to this and roughly popped Steve's arm back into its socket. "Son of a bitch. Sorry. Ow. That hurt. I didn't mean to insult anyone's mother."

A blast of magic hit just above the counter, deflected slightly by a shield Loki had created.

"Loki! Come out here and fight me like a man! Even a mortal has more courage than you, snake!"

"Go to Hel, Amora!" Loki shouted as he shot a blast of magic.

"You first, bastard!" Amora said as she shot right back.

"I would say ladies first, but you show no evidence of that!" Loki said as he grabbed Darcy and Steve.

Darcy blinked and found herself in an office on the other side of the street of where they had just been. The Enchantress sent a particularly powerful blast at the coffee shop. Both Darcy and Steve were sprawled on the floor while Loki was sitting cross-legged next to them.

"Was Thor still fighting the Executioner when you last heard from him?" Loki asked Steve.

Steve sat up. "Yeah. I was planning on backing up Thor until I saw the Enchantress going after those people."

"She was creating a distraction for you. She wanted you to be injured at the least or killed. You do have a known fondness of civilians," Loki said.

"That is the point of the job, Loki," Steve said.

Loki waved his hand. "I did not say it was a bad thing, Captain. I was merely pointing out a weakness that can be exploited."

Steve looked over at Darcy and then Loki. "We all have those."

Darcy moved to a crouch and gently tugged at Loki's cloak. "Is she your ex?"

"Amora was… she was… not betrothed to me," Loki said, avoiding Darcy's eyes.

"Did you have sex?" Darcy asked.

"Yes," Loki said.

"Yeah, Loki, that counts as an ex," Darcy said as she gently smacked his shoulder.

Loki looked at the ceiling for a moment before speaking again. "If it makes you feel any better, the last time we met I threw her out a window."

"That is not reassuring for your homicidal tendencies," Darcy said, "Despite the belief in bad fiction, abusive tendencies are not sexy in anyone."

"She was trying to create a love potion to cast on Thor. It was the simplest way to get her away from him," Loki said.

"She had a thing for Thor?" Darcy said.

Loki gritted his teeth. "Yes. She used me to get to him. We… cut off any friendly connections when she said his name instead of mine during… an intimate moment."

"Okay. Ew. Seriously? Gross. Evil ex then," Darcy said.

Loki motioned to himself. "I am not the best judge of those things."

"Off point," Steve said.

"If you would be willing to redirect the Hulk and/or Ms. Romanov towards my direction, I will transport you to Thor, Captain," Loki said.

"Will do," Steve said.

For twenty-three seconds, Darcy was by herself. As Darcy considered if she should start making her way to the building basement, Loki pulled Darcy to her feet and towards the stairwell.

Darcy looked at Loki as they walked to see his mood and it was terrifyingly calm. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I couldn't watch you… I couldn't watch her… I had to do something."

Loki pushed Darcy against the wall and roughly began kissing her. Darcy returned with equal passion, wrapping herself around Loki as best as she could when he had his armor on.

Darcy pulled back. "Air."

Loki cupped Darcy's face. "There will be yelling later."

"And I'll yell right back," Darcy said.

Loki smiled and kissed Darcy briefly. "I would never ask for anything else."

They untangled themselves. Darcy touched the horns on Loki's helmet. "Maybe you should ram your enemies."

"I much prefer tasing," Loki said, smirking.

Darcy bit her lip, fear slowly building in her stomach. Loki stroked her hair. "I will see you at home, darling."

"I'll make up some cookies," Darcy said.

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The Stark Corporation, unsurprisingly, had a lot of paperwork when dealing with alien grudge matches. Darcy filled out an incident report, even though she was not on duty. She also received a steady stream of "What were you thinking" from a variety of co-workers and friends, including a phone call from Coulson. Loki and Thor were figuratively neck deep in bureaucracy about how Thor having a magical stalker was something that should have been mentioned before.

Darcy went home, made chocolate chip cookies, and then collapsed on the couch from exhaustion.

&%&%&%

"You know, I did not believe you about the cookies," Loki said.

Darcy sat up and looked around. She was still on the couch. Loki was sitting on the floor, munching on his snack.

"What time is it?" Darcy asked as she let herself fall back on the couch.

"Two in the morning," Loki said.

"Ugh." Darcy rested her hand on Loki's shoulder. "In one piece?"

"Yes," Loki said. He finished off the cookies he had snatched from the kitchen.

"Are you going to start yelling now?" Darcy asked. She let her fingers brush up and down the side of Loki's throat.

"I am too tired, darling. May we just sleep for a while?" Loki asked.

Darcy pulled Loki to the bedroom. Loki lay on his back while Darcy curled up at his side.

"Never do that again," Loki said when Darcy was almost asleep.

"I won't as long as someone else is there to save you," Darcy said.

&%&%&%

Darcy had a few moments to gather her thoughts when she woke up the next morning before Loki berated her on her conduct with Amora. Loki laid out all the ways Darcy could have been injured or killed in graphic detail.

"Are you finished?" Darcy asked once he seemed to have reached a stopping place.

Loki gently tugged at Darcy's hair. "I care about you more than almost anyone. You are not to do such again."

"I agree with you," Darcy said, "What I did was stupid."

Loki blinked rapidly. "What?"

"I said, I agree with you. It was stupid. I regretted it almost as soon as I did it," Darcy said, "I apologize for putting myself in harm's way and possible hindering your mission to stop Amora."

"Um… apology accepted?"

Darcy kissed Loki's cheek. "I am not sorry for trying to save you. At the time, I did not think anyone else could stop her long enough for you to get up. I knew you could defeat her if you had time. How I went about it was wrong."

Loki stroked Darcy's arm. "Never again, Darcy."

"I can't promise that," Darcy said, "but I will do my best."

&%&%&%

A/N: This was part of a larger story, but it was not worth saving post _Thor: The Dark World_. This story, however, was.


End file.
